You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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