So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
