It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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