I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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