I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Never underestimate the power of titties
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