but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
tequila makes me forget i have legs
cat food counts as protein by the way
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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