I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
