I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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