I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
