I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
