I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
