...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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