how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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