i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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