There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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