Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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