Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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