I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
