Will you blow on my dice?
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
