i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I just gargled with NyQuil
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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