Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
