I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
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