Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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