if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
