i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
