I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
