So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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