if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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