Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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