Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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