I faked an abortion last night.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Randomize
