Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
