i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
I did not marry a roomba.
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