I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
