Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
