How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
