I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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