We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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