I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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