dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
