You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
