when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
