States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
