Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
