So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
sarcasm needs its own font
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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