My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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