the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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