no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
