guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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