I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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