I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
