I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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