im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
