i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize
