You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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