Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize