I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
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