There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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