you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize